My best friend has the same name as me, was born four days before me, and knows the hell I'm talking aboutallofthetime, except when I'm tired. I don't even know what I'm saying at that point. We go through periods where we don't talk at all.We're getting older and I'm sure thisis the last time we've stopped talking to each other.I'll missher... "Here we are, only been a couple of years maybe longer."

School Life - OVER
I tried going back to college. WTf was I thinking? I so completely suck. I tried taking a watercolor class. I couldn't even paint a fucking banana. Everyone else could. This nerdy lesbian chick was awesome and poser rock god did a great job too but me? My five year old niece has done better. I wish everyone would stop telling me how talented I am. It’s like just because you can't lick an envelope, someone else can't. I'm a hack. I deserve my sad life of hopelessness. I'm never going back and I don't care if I get a refund.  DON'T CARE. My mom said my failure may have had something to do with the fact that I had the flu and was sleep deprived. No. I suck. The End.

Work Life - Falling Apart
I'm sick of work. Will they just fucking fire me already? I mean shit. I'm totally flaking and I just couldn't care less anymore. Nothing matters. Why hasn’t anyone gotten the memo? Waukegan Public Library, bringing quality to your life. BULLSHIT. Why is it the people serving the community don’t look like or understand the fucking community!?!? How can you help people get what they need/want if you judge them? How does that work?

Home Life - What don't you fucking understand?
My sister is getting married. I should go but half of me goes she’s not really your sister. I know nothing about her and she knows nothing about me. My mom just uses me to talk to the kids she abandoned. And then denies it. I suggested maybe I should go and now every 5 minutes she’s handing me the phone and pointing to envelopes. I'm still mad as fuck. I'm your baby sister bitches! You can't just pop in and out of my life without explanation. I don't want to go to the wedding. I'm that ugly person who no one wants in the photos but you have to because she’s the sister. And I can't miss it can I? She's my sister.


Love Life - Wait, they don't love you like I love you
I think this is the point I start drinking and taking drugs except I’m terrified to touch any of that stuff. I'll fall apart just fine on my own. I knew I wasn't going to live to see 23. Sometimes I know things.

Oh god. The person who will always have my heart has a kid. A baby. A child. God. She’s beautiful. Would it help if she was ugly? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. She looks just like she should look if she were mine. Well she has blue eyes but I dunno we're both mixed so that recessive shit might have kicked in. What kind of name is Sariya?! How do you even say that and where did they come up with it? I looked it up. It's a fucking boy’s name. Way to go genius. Lola is such a better name, so completely better. Ugh I'm so angry but at myself. I suck. I should have said how I felt back when we were both sick and twisted and uncool. I will always be the same and he has a kid! And they've been together for a little over a year. I know it won’t last but this Sally Fuckface Wigger Bitch will always be in his life. Doesn't matter. It's not like I ever will be again.
I'm really good at cutting people out of my life. I'm crap and pasting them back in.

It's ok. I understand. I'm uncool and confusing.

VaHa

I went to sleep this morning at 6:00am.
Poked the wood slats of the top bunk. It's so pathetic to have two beds and only one person.

I woke up at 3:00 pm. I love waking up in the afternoon. I always feel so much better. Until I realise I slept away the day. I didn't clean, I didn't come up with any new ideas. I did nothing. But sleep. Sigh.

I told D I thought tissue paper flowers was a great craft idea and that I would do it. I omitted the fact that I dont know how to make them. Oh well.... I won't let you down.

Had fun with myself in the shower ;) Almost kicked a hole in the wall. Ha.

Went food shopping. Got FRUIT. God, I'm so sick of candy and junk. Fruit, fruit, fruit.
Honey dew mellon. YUM.

We got a taxi to take us home. What i hate most is waiting 30 minutes for a cab. But I always have to tip. No matter what.
All I want isa new car.

I'll never get it. But thats ok.

I understand. I'm uncool.
VaHa



 

Anywoo - to means anything like "Grab anywoo you'd like"



Mmmmm. I had a meeting with my first boss/supervisor/thinga. It went alright. I've been worrying about for like 4 whole days. It's what I do. She basically said I'm doing fine, but I need to send more emails and to this I say... alright fine. I brought up my whole issue of being scheduled for tasks that exceed my job description, without being told about it. There were some days I never agreed to do and also two Open Houses. I'm a complete spaz and I need time. Now sometimes, I'm just not organized, but sometimes... sigh.

Don't get me wrong, I understand First Boss means well. She thinks I'm young and need money, which is true. She was also talking about having me for 40 hours unto which I said *panic face* um no please. Cuz I talk like Starfire at times. Anyhoo, then she gives me this O.o and is all like What are do you do? And in my head I'm um nothing? But out loud I said I don’t sleep. Both are true. I don't do anything and I don't sleep. Thursday to Friday I didn't sleep AT ALL, I was up for at least 24 hours. The rest of my weekend was spent sleeping in the afternoon. There is nothing like being asleep at 3pm. So peaceful and such. En den, she’s like what does a 21 yr old have to worry about that’s she's not sleeping.

My head:
1. I'm 22 bitches

My worries, in no particular order:
2. My mom dying in her sleep
3. My mom dying of disease or conditions
4. My mom dying of old age
5. My mom dying from an accident
6. Me dying from an accident
7. Me dying from taking to many Tylenol Pms
8. Me messing up at work
9. Mama losing her job
10. Me getting fired
11. Already messing up at work and having to face the consequences
12. Did I offend someone?
13. Did I forget to do something (usually yes)
14. Worrying about shit I didn’t do
15. Worrying about shit I need to do
16. Worrying about shit I did, but not right
17. Or maybe I did it right but whoever won’t like it
18. Does crush like me?
19. Does crush hate me?
20. I'm super obvious and he hasn’t asked me out, does that mean "he’s just not that into me?"
21. What the hell would I do if he did like me?
22. Do other people think we date? (prolly)
23. Would we get into trouble even if we didn’t? (prolly not)
23. The future
24. The past
25. My niece
26. My whole damn rotten family
27. He who must not be named but is who I love (but is not crush)
28. Not having a place to live
29. The present
30. Cleaning the apt (I never do, it just keeps getting messier)
31. My outstanding debt to the hospital
32. My bike that I have on layaway but haven’t been making payments
33. Various health conditions I may or may not have
34. Not getting asleep
35. Over sleeping
36. Over eating
37 My teeth falling out
38. Worrying that I'm losing my mind
39. Knowing that I'm losing my mind
40. What will I wear tomorrow
41. Vowing to get up early so I can take time getting ready so I look put together
42. Never waking up early
43. Any drastic changes to my life
44. Any drastic changes I might have in my life
45. Worrying if I took a very important key home
46. My name tag is cracked and chewed, has anyone noticed?
47. Not returning things on time
48. Worrying about my hair
49. Worrying about my whole appearance
50. Missing the bus
51. Not having enough money for the bus
52. Disappointing anyone
53. Rejection
54. Failure
55. The fact that I'm a pathetic loser mental shut in
56. Not having my real sleeping pills
57. Never making an appointment with my therapist tho I really really should
58. Losing my cool and telling everyone to FUCK OFF
59. My urges to physically harm preteens
60. Getting locked up into the mental ward
61. Never having enough money
62. Meeting people from my past
63. Running into Lindsay, a girl I used to harass at school and now she works with me
64. Never meeting someone I like me, who actively likes me back
65. Not taking the garbage out
66. Not calling my sisters back, wondering if they even know they are bitches
67. Someone at work makes a complaint about me
68. Having conflicts with anyone
69. Being scheduled for shit I was never told or asked about
70. Losing limbs
71. Worrying that everyone will find out I'm a fake
72. Someone gets sick in the ELC because I don't clean as much as I do.
73. Forgetting to wear deodorant
74. Forgetting to shave
75. The fact that I have a hormonal imbalance so I have way more body hair then anyone ever.
76. I'm too childish, I can't stand on my own two
77. I have no friends and I want them, but I don’t
78. Worrying that people who have no right to be calling me, call me
79. I've been wasting my time, I've accomplished nothing
80. I won’t make it to see 25
81. The top bunk will fall and crush me in my sleep
82. The top bunk will fall and crush me while I'm awake
83. I'll damage a library book or cd
84. I need new boots but boots never work properly
85. My eyes are falling out
86. Fire
87. Tornado
88. I'm a hack artist
89. I want to make it big but I have no drive
90. My clothes are dirty
91. Bugs (as in roaches peoples)
92. I don't do dishes but I should
93. Mama will be charged for the 30 minutes showers I take
94. Being alone especially in a crowded room
95. Not being smart enough
96. Going back to college
97. Getting caught lying, I do it without meaning to
98. Ruining holidays
99. Not being about to buy shit with my debit card
100. Never finding someone else to love

And this is every night so see. SHUT CHO MOUTH!

Actually, depending on my mood, I can be all three. Most of the time I'm a pessimist, but I get depressed and decide to only think positively and hope for the best, until crap happens and I become a realist and very practical, which makes me pessimistic, which starts the whole cycle all over again. Hooray for run-on sentences! WOO!

Sigh, well know that he's cut his hair the veil of hairbondness has lifted from my eyes and made me realize I shall never have friends. Especially (which I still pronounce in my head E - specially) a hot (and I’m not the only one who thinks he’s hot, like everyone, middle schoolers, ew ages, everyone) sarcastic, likes pretty much everything I like, knows exactly what I'm talking about all the time (not even David knows all the time, like he didn’t get the Hey Arnold references or wishbone or why 22 is forever old even though you know its young but it’s not young enough to be told what to do all the time, even though you do need to be told what to do, but like with your life or how to go about it exactly, not how to cut out fucking cats and such, but that’s all anyone can tell you, or chooses to) and he doesn’t drink, though he does smoke pot, but I think id smoke pot if I wasn’t afraid it would kill my mom somehow, and I think he does to try and kill his parents because I’m sure he has the same irrational fears we have, just you know, he’s cool. That’s it. Cool and uncool can never mix.

Uncool and Uncool can mix but will never be happy. Maybe cool and cool make happy. Is anyone ever happy? Why the hell are you still with Alex? Does he make you happy? And does the times he does outweigh the times he doesn't? What happens if you have a kid named Roof? That’s what they named him in the book, Well Rufus, but they call him roof, cuz they did in the future or I dunno. None of this matters. Nothing. At all. I'm sure being with someone is better than not being with someone. Not being with someone really sucks. But in the book it seems liek you can be alone when your with someone the same way your alone when your... alone. Like in Brick. But what’s the point in giving up, but what’s the point in trying.

Does there need to be a point? But if there is no point then what are we all doing? Why can’t we just enjoy life, but does anyone. Are they better at faking and we're just being honest, or is something wrong with us. Someone, somewhere must have been happy, or else, where did we get the idea from? Like when they said no one said life wasn't fair when you complain about unfairness. BULLSHIT. Back in the day, on the swings, you wanted to swing all fucking day. That’s it, maybe eat something I don't. But anyway swinging. But there are only 4 swings, maybe eight if you’re at a high class park. two if you’re at a fake park. And there’s some other kid whose only goal in life is to swing. And maybe not that time but sometime soon after the first "next" kid wants a turn you have to give up the swing. And why? Because its fair. The swings are free. Everyone gets a turn. That’s how it works. And that kid will give up his turn to some other kid.

So. Someone must have been happy. They just must have. We see happyish people all the time. Are they faking, do we just not know the situation. I don’t know. Or maybe it’s like god. We need someone out there. Someone has to be looking out for us. But if there is no God, or some kind of... force thing, how the hell are we all here? And is any of this real? I need to go to sleep. I feel like I've already died and I'm living again and I remember almost how it was supposed to be, like I've done it before, but I can't quite remember so I end up fucking shit up. But deep down I know, it could have been better. o.o I hope this doesn’t make sense. Cuz if it does. We're screwed.

Good thing I'm not sending this.

Djbunnyjams: sigh this sim chick is playing hard to get shes supposed to be a ho

Djbunnyjams: play your part!

Djbunnyjams: my sim is a nerd tho for their first date im going to make him wear a suit

Babypixiestick: lol thats cute

Djbunnyjams: i know! hes all half japanese and shit so ill have his grandparents make a fuss

Djbunnyjams: this story will be better then the other one

Djbunnyjams: i have this little boy sim who wants to be a girl

Djbunnyjams: i named him quan...

Babypixiestick: lol i like how your asian names are limited

Djbunnyjams: lol i know right

Djbunnyjams: omg not only is he wearing a suit but he had to take the family van

Djbunnyjams: im mean as hell

Djbunnyjams: and their just going to the community center to iceskate

Djbunnyjams: hey! quan is cute in his dress...

Babypixiestick: does she know her date wants to be a girl?

Djbunnyjams: no no hes not quan

Djbunnyjams: his name is stephan

Babypixiestick: oic brb for walmart

Djbunnyjams: lol k

Djbunnyjams: omg they went ice skating and he fell and they danced in the park and went to a 50's diner and had their first kiss on his front porch   im so romantical

Babypixiestick: lol i wouldn't mind a date like that

Djbunnyjams: i know right they were too cute  hes such a dork

Djbunnyjams: too bad his family doesnt approve of her and he is forbidden to see her ever again

Djbunnyjams: hes promised to haruka even tho shes 8

Babypixiestick: lol oh god thats awful

Djbunnyjams: i know

Djbunnyjams: im soooo racist

Djbunnyjams: maybe they'll runaway together!

Djbunnyjams: burn down houses, go surfing, kill off people when things get to awkward with, add more annoying people, and die on the side of the road as hallelujah plays in the background

Babypixiestick: can sims runaway?

Djbunnyjams: yes

Babypixiestick: oh god i hate that song

Djbunnyjams: lol i know right

Djbunnyjams: it was an oc reference ive been watching it again

Babypixiestick: lol on the soap network?

Djbunnyjams: yes

Babypixiestick: i was doing that with one tree hill :(

Djbunnyjams: you didnt like it?

Babypixiestick: i did but its not something i like to flaunt

Djbunnyjams: oic

Djbunnyjams: who cares? i dont care

Djbunnyjams: watch what you want

Djbunnyjams: oh maybe he like makes this big deal with his family but she freaks out and makes out with cj!

Djbunnyjams: and then stephan gets all heartbroken and just studies all the time and becomes a doctor like his family wants to  but he wont marry haruka thats just wrong..

Babypixiestick: why can't quan marry haruka

Djbunnyjams: wait quans the boy who wants to be a girl

Djbunnyjams: he falls in love with c.js brother :X

Djbunnyjams: or maybe quan isnt gay but just wants to be a girl and haruka is gay and so they can be together

Djbunnyjams: >.> does that work?

Babypixiestick: lol that is more confusing than the oc

Djbunnyjams: wow I didnt know that was possible

Djbunnyjams: i made another mario sim... this time he lives with his grandparents and gene and they fight all the time, its kind of awful

Djbunnyjams: hes lucky i made a new kait to you know sooth his pain

Babypixiestick: ugh why do you make mario sims!

Djbunnyjams: because he plays into the story!

Djbunnyjams: god

Djbunnyjams: i made a brendan sim...

Djbunnyjams: hes the brother of alexis the girl stephan likes

Djbunnyjams: they smoke pot and play videogames  its all fun...

Djbunnyjams: with cj tho cj doesnt smoke of course

Djbunnyjams: and little timothy who really is ted...

Djbunnyjams: who likes quan

Djbunnyjams: but quan likes cjs brother jay

Djbunnyjams: who likes kait

Djbunnyjams: as does gene and mario... and haruka i guess

Djbunnyjams: see  he has to be in there or it wont work..

Djbunnyjams: >.>

Babypixiestick: o.O

Djbunnyjams: what!? >:o

Djbunnyjams: im just saying i want a good story and well... i mean you want me to make a good story right? and certain elements need to be in this story and dont you look at me in that tone of font!

Babypixiestick:  >:o

Djbunnyjams: so...

Djbunnyjams: im learning how to build a garage

Babypixiestick: a sim garage?

Djbunnyjams: yes

Because you're not supposed to. You’re just to ignore me and well, humor me. That's it.
But like...
What do you mean its ok that I talk too much and I never shut up.
That’s not ok.
It's not as bad as you make it seem.
What are you talking about I'm so annoying!
The only thing annoying about you is that you think you’re so annoying.
...
And you whine a lot
I do whine a lot.
Shut it don’t start.
So does he like me?
I think sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn’t.
That’s the same way I feel about him.
Great you’re perfect for each other.
This is so doomed.
I know it is.
*sigh*
Get a girlfriend already!

I am not trying to impress you AT ALL. I fucking <3 your laugh and I'll do anything to hear it as much as I can daily.
Also like your smile. The two are such a deadly combo that I'd walk backwards on my hands in a tutu, eating bananas and making them come out my nose just in case your into that. Which I hope you’re not, I can't do any of that...

I mean I know how to be sexy. I'm not a complete tard.

No matter what the doctors say...

Just need that laugh. Ya dig?

Why do I get so juvenile when I like someone?  I get all mean and stuff.

 I don't know whether to kiss you or bash your brains in with a dictionary.
Both bad ideas. Really bad.
Especially the first one.

What do you mean I have great ideas?! Great?
Yup, he said great.
He is not one to praise.
Oh no, he isn’t. If he says it, he means it. Very straight forward.
Right right so....
He thinks your ideas are great he thinks your funny. Get over it.
Right of course. *big grin*
Oh geez. You can’t stand him half the time
I know, I want to bash his head in with a Dictionary.
How cute
She was very cute
Oh here we go, he wasn’t interested.
But why? She was super cute.
He doesn’t know her
So?
And he can’t slut around with her, she's too connected.
Yeah I guess you’re right.  But
OMG! Let it go.
*sigh* BUT
But what!?
She’s kinda like me... but taller, and prettier...
So?
So...
Oh just go to sleep will you?
He thinks my ideas are great!
Everyone says that. Your ideas are great. You crazy fool.
Yeah but they just say that to pump me up. They don't mean it. Obligation and all that.
Go to sleep... this path will only lead to destruction. Caution Caution.
Always with the caution. Maybe if I just....
NO.
I mean Seventeen says before I'm 25 I have to ask out...
No no you don’t have to do anything.
But.
NO! You'll get in trouble, and and and
O.o
Just let it go. Hang out with Kyle.
I hate Kyle. And his transparency issues.
I can't believe you said grody underwear
I know I have no class.
You're not doing very well to impress anyone
I'm not trying to impress anyone
Well, you should start
I think after a sentence that includes eating cereal in my grody underwear, it’s become way too late.
You’re right.
Who knows, maybe he's into grody underwear... Thinks it’s hot
...
 Everyone else did tonight...
Yeah, but not my grody underwear.
You never know.

No yeah… I do…

What is my problem!?

Why can't I just be a good mental shut in?

Just keep to myself.

Quiet little me.

BUT NO!

Oh noooooo.

I've got to give out info about myself.

I've got to make connections with other people.

Have almost friends.

Develop silly crushes.

BTW to crush who I hope will never read this, cuz I'll die;

I only like because
1. I'm not your type (so you’re not supposed to like me back, duh)
2. You get about every reference I can throw out there, and you like what I like.
3. You don't seem to mind that I'm weird.
4. I annoy the hell out of you, but you still allow me to talk to you.
5. You let me boss you around, but you stand your ground when it matters. (Actually I hate that! Bend to my will!)
6. You’re so mellow (Actually I hate that too.)

My stupid girl brain is whirling which always gets me in trouble.

Like this:

Like I know your straight forward and you have no hidden meanings in your sentences but what the hell do you mean by if I make a bracelet you'll wear it *low voice, casual shrug, no eye contact.*

Part of me goes, um... If you make a bracelet.... he'll wear it?

Other part goes, yeah but like, does he want me to make one? Is he expecting it?! Will he be offended if I don’t? Will I lose almost friend points?

Lol, like in the Sims?

Yes :)

Dude, if you make one, he'll wear it, if you don't, he won't. Simple.

But.

OMG! He won't care either way!

But what if he does care?

He doesn't

But.

Nope. What happened to the number one reason why you like him?

Oh... right.

Exactly.

So...

Make him one or don't. I wouldn't, people are starting to notice you like him. Captain Obvious.

Ok.

You're going to make him one, aren’t you?

Yes.

Will you give it to him?

No idea.

Know what I hate?
That stupid feeling you get in your stomach when the person you like walks into the room or talks to you. You know the one, that rollercoaster jolt thing. FRACKIN HATE IT.

Leaves me speechless then all I can do is mumble.

That's the plan, rule the world, you and me, *winky face* any day.
Love your hair, what?, no I uh love the...air.
Anyway.